A Teatise on the "Chick Flick"

If I may, I'd like to take a momentary break from reviewing movie trailers and write on the topic of the "Chick Flick." Everyone has heard of this term before, and many have used it themselves; however, does anyone really know what a chick flick is? Is it simply a romantic comedy of any kind? Any kind of romance--comedy or otherwise? This would seem to be the most obvious first thought: men, after all, have only two emotions: anger and lust. We've got no room for piddly, sissy emotions like "love" or "caring" or "cleanliness." And so it would seem natural that adding a romantic element to a movie would automatically qualify it as a chick flick. Yet, Indiana Jones, one of the manliest movie heroes of all time, had a "love interest" in each of his adventures. Are we really ready and willing to call Temple of Doom a chick flick? Hearts are symbols of love, but c'mon...

Hell, even most Schwarzenegger flicks have some kind of thinly-veiled romantic crap thrown in. So I think I can say that having romantic in a movie does not necessarily make it a chick flick. So where else do we go? I did some looking around and found a book on Amazon.com (The Ultimate Guide to Chick Flicks--sounded promising enough) that listed ten things all chick flicks have in common:

1. Create a Sympathetic Heroine
2. Offer up a Love-Worthy Hero
3. Don't Forget the Best Friend
4. Something's Wrong with the Heroine's Life
5. They Meet
6. Toss in Impediments to the Romance
7. They Dance
8. Pack in as Many Memorable Moments as Possible
9. The Hero Employs the Three Magic Words
10. Achieve the Ultimate Happy (or unhappy) Ending

Parts of this list seem specious to me, so let's test it out on, say, The Piano, which certainly seems to qualify nebulously as a chick flick.

1. Create a Sympathetic Heroine
   

   Holly Hunter's character can't talk. She gets sold into a marriage with some jerk down in New Zealand. Check.

2. Offer up a Love-Worthy Hero
   

   Harvey Keitel's character is also a bit of a jerk... though he does let Hunter play her piano. Tenuous at best.

3. Don't Forget the Best Friend
   

   I guess we can consider the daughter as the best friend here. Check--but only grudgingly.

4. Something's Wrong with the Heroine's Life
   

   See number 1. Check.

5. They Meet
   

   We at the innuendo yet? Check.

6. Toss in Impediments to the Romance
   

   Well, it is an extramarital affair after all. Most husbands aren't cool with that. Check.

7. They Dance
   

   If you count seeing Keitel's ugly bare ass while they're doing it as "dancing".... Check.

8. Pack in as Many Memorable Moments as Possible
   

   This is a bit ambiguous, isn't it? What qualifies as a "memorable moment"? Seeing Keitel's ass and wang would count, I guess, if only because the images are now burned forever more into my brain. Check.

9. The Hero Employs the Three Magic Words
   

   Dunno, can't remember if Keitel's character ever says "Suck me, beautiful." Probably not. Nix.

10. Achieve the Ultimate Happy (or unhappy) Ending
    

    Yay! They get married and live happily ever after! Check!

Using this standard, The Piano easily qualifies as a chick flick. Seems good, but let's try the list on something else. How about... True Romance. Written by Quentin Tarantino, this movie is the anti-chick flick: it's got gratuitous sex and nudity, lots of cursing (could you expect anything less from Tarantino?), and tons of blood. In short, it's a man's man movie. However...

1. Create a Sympathetic Heroine
   

   Down-on-her-luck prostitute with a jerk wigger for a pimp. Check.

2. Offer up a Love-Worthy Hero
   

   I don't know about love-worthy, but Christian Slater is, from what I hear, "attractive," and he plays the lonely-but-non-threatening geeky comicstore clerk. We'll give it a check.

3. Don't Forget the Best Friend
   

   The two lovers become best friends. Awwwwwwwwww. Definitely a check.

4. Something's Wrong with the Heroine's Life
   

   See number 1. Check.

5. They Meet
   

   Prostitute is on assignment... It's the hero's birthday... Check.

6. Toss in Impediments to the Romance
   

   Prostitute wants out, pimp doesn't take too kindly to that. Check.

7. They Dance
   

   Queue up sex scene and gratutious nudity. Check!

8. Pack in as Many Memorable Moments as Possible
   

   Again, very ambiguous. But there's enough here to qualify. Check.

9. The Hero Employs the Three Magic Words
   

   A surprising amount in here. Check.

10. Achieve the Ultimate Happy (or unhappy) Ending
    

    The King guides our heroes out of trouble and they live the rest of their lives on the beach or something. Check.

Hell, by the book's standard, True Romance is more of a chick flick than even The Piano! Clearly, Tarantino did this on purpose; he probably decided he wanted to try making a manly movie with chick flick cliches in order to prove to the world that it's possible to make a "sensitive" gory action film, but impossible to make a "gory action" chick flick. Hell, the title of the Tarantino film even suggests that the movie is a play on chick flick conventions.

So what does this all mean? Implicitly, anything could be a chick flick. And yet... how many women out there actually enjoy watching True Romance? I would bet big money that it's not even close to the number of women who enjoy The Piano. I guess the real question is what was Tarantino's intent when he put the chick flick elements into True Romance? Did he truly want to incorporate them into the movie because he thought they would add something to the narrative, or was he merely playing around in order to mock the chick flick conventions? Possibly it was a bit of both, but I'm not sure if we'll ever know for sure.

But what I do know is this: couples, if you're ever at the videostore and can't decide on what to get--she wants a chick flick, he would rather stab his eyes out with a pencil--just compromise and get True Romance. It's got enough to satisfy her need for emotion and romantic fulfillment, yet still has the action and nudity to keep him interested. It's a win-win, baby!

Cyber Seduction

Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life
Lifetime (July 2, 2005)
Director: Tom McLoughlin
Cast: Jeremy Sumpter, Kelly Lynch, Lyndsy Fonseca, Jake Scott

View the trailer


Wow. Just... WOW. What else can I say about this movie? Despite being made by Lifetime: Television for Women (or, perhaps, because of it), the trailer to Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life is something else. Sadly, it's just a made-for-TV movie--and one that ultimately must have the moral that being a prudish woman is better than being a Redbull-chugging porn addict--so, despite the film's promising title, the trailer doesn't contain any nudity. And yet...

One click can destroy a mind... a marriage... a family.

This inane slogan is interspersed with what the folks at Lifetime presumably think is drama. And despite the fact that the film's synopsis clearly pegs previously-good-boy-now-turned-porn-addict Justin as the main character, the trailer almost completely ignores his struggle with whether or not to whack it, and instead focuses on the trials and tribulations of MILF mother Diane, as she tries to keep her fragile reality from crumbling down into a pile of porn-addled rubbish. "I can't believe this is happening to us," Kelly Lynch's character Diane confides in a friend, never coming to grips with the fact that her movie son must have come across (pun very much intended) the sex scene, including full frontal nudity, she did in the 1989 movie Warm Summer Rain (safe for work).

However, the trailer notwithstanding, the producers obviously want to have Justin's porn addiction be the crux of the movie. From the synopsis:

"This is an important topic because online porn addiction can affect all ages," says "Cyber Seduction" executive producer Michael Bremer. In fact, according to a recent survey, 90% of eight- to 16-year-olds with Internet access have viewed porn online, mostly while doing homework. "Addicts blur the lines between fiction and fantasy, creating devastating effects on relationships," adds executive producer Paul Goff.

Clearly, there is an epidemic out there, where 9 out of 10 boys cruise around the internet ghettos, snorting crack off of dead hookers, giving blowjobs for loose change, and killing a man just to watch him die, all the while looking for the next big porn fix. Concerned parents thought Cinemax would be the downfall of our society, and clearly its late-night softcore skin flicks have paved the way for greater evils, like stealing your parents' credit card to get access to for-pay porno sites, or--may God have mercy on our souls--drinking Redbull. The usual rallying cry from parents who would rather censor things so that the rest of us can't enjoy our porn want to make the world a better place is, "Won't someone think of the children????" (As an aside, I know there's a Michael Jackson joke in there just itching to be let out, but I'll refrain... for now). However, this only seemed to have spurred on the internet porn industry, which has, quite to its economical benefit, indeed thought of the children when designing their wanking sites.

So, "Can Justin kick this self-destructive habit?" as the synopsis breathlessly asks. Well, considering that this is a movie made for the middle-aged-independent-woman-soccer-moms out there, the answer is a resounding "yes." However, I posit the supposition that Justin's soul will be irrevocably sullied by his three-month flirtation with the darkness known as internet porn. Of course, the trailer hardly pays this a thought, as Diane is not on screen for a grand total of one second during the 30-second trailer. Justin, by comparison, is on screen for a measly eight seconds. I suppose the producers know their audience, and that this audience responds better to a story which, depending on the perspective, is about an independent mother who wants her family to remain spiritually pure, rather than a story about an abrasive bitch who won't let her son whack off to scantily-clothed-yet-not-actually-naked women. Actually, now that I think about it, by not letting her son ogle beautiful women, Diane is really just making sure that Justin becomes that 1 in 10 that doesn't look at porn. She is ensuring that Justin grows up an introverted and repressed loser--someone who will probably eventually molest little children. It really makes sense when you consider that Micahel Jackson was probably too busy being exploited promoted by his parents to ogle beautiful women while growing up.

With all that in mind, I cannot in good conscience give this trailer any stars. Perhaps it would be different if we, the audience, got a good look at what Justin was wanking to--for realism's sake, of course--but sadly this trailer only gives us hints of probably less than fulfilling things to come. But, really, what else can you expect from a channel that plays "The Nanny" eight times every day?