Land of the Dead

George A. Romero's Land of the Dead
Universal (June 24, 2005)
Director: George A. Romero
Cast: Simon Baker, John Leguizamo, Asia Argento, Robert Joy,Dennis Hopper, Eugene Clark

View the trailer


Twenty years after the release of Day of the Dead, "legendary" filmmaker George A. Romero--not to be confused with George "Fireball" Romero of Pensicola, Florida--comes back for one more zombie movie. Sadly, the time naming convention of the previous three movies in the series has been scrapped; personally, I felt that Twilight of the Dead, Sunset of the Dead, or even "It's Almost Dinnertime, So Don't Go Spoiling Your Appetite" of the Dead would've worked as better titles than the boring Land, but maybe that's just my opinion.

Anywho, Romero is back with this film, no doubt trying desperately to cash in on some of the zombified money made by Shaun of the Dead, 28 Days Later, and the remake to Dawn of the Dead in recent years. Well, according to the trailer, he's back to put a cap on his legacy or some such nonsense. An obvious lie. And I don't think we can begrudge him too much for this blatant money grab, seeing as, after all, many of the greats of cinema were solely about making money--Greg Steelberg, Randy West (I), and Bud Lee, to name a few. Besides, while checking up on Romero's bio, I noticed this summary for his upcoming epic, Diamond Dead:

Aria De Winter has been enlisted by Death himself to kill 365 people in one year. Hard task? Well, it helps when Aria is planning an historic concert for the Diamond Dead, the world's most famous underground rock band. It also helps that she's the ex-girlfriend of the lead singer of the band. It helps even more that the band members have been dead for over a year.

Apparently, Romero has become drunk with power and success. That, or he owes someone a big favor. Regardless, if this is what he's going to be doing now that the ...of the Dead series appears to be over, I think we can all agree that Land of the Dead needs to be cherished--if only so that we may throw Diamond Dead down the memory hole.

Well then, onto the actual trailer. Unfortunately, this is one of those trailers that shows more clips from Romero's previous zombie films than his new one; I suppose the studio felt it necessary to give evidence to back up its claim that he is "legendary." Apparently, Land takes place sometime after Night of the Living Dead: the world has been overrun by the Republicans zombies, and the last remaining humans are holed up in a fortress of solitude walled, prison-like city. The zombies also have apparently been "evolving," to the point where they can construct rudimentary pipe bombs and are adept at military pincer attacks. They also seem to be amphibious in this iteration, but seeing as how this is a movie where Dennis Hopper is in charge, we're obviously supposed to suspend disbelief.

Ultimately, the trailer devolves into a typical horror-movie-with-lots-of-fast-cuts-and-scary-noises-and-explosions trailer, which is a little sad because the trailer showed so much potential when it was only showing clips from the previous ...of the Dead films. It's got its moments, but in the end this trailer just doesn't cut the mustard. You'd be better served eating a large bowl of Hagan Das and watching The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

Cry Wolf

Cry Wolf
Focus Features (August 26, 2005)
Director: Jeff Wadlow
Cast: Julian Morris, Lindy Booth, Jared Padalecki, Jon Bon Jovi

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In the epic tradition of You've Got Mail and Mac and Me, Cry Wolf continues the trend of getting some kind of mega sponsorship deal, and then basing a movie around it. This is ever apparent when the beginning of the trailer shows a "creepy" and "foreboding" instant messaging conversation between Wolf3x6 and OwenM87. If you'd rather not spend any time watching the trailer, then I'll give you a quick summary of how the convo went...

Wolf3x6: hello
OwenM87: who is this?
Wolf3x6: did you hear about the murders on campus?
OwenM87: lol
OwenM87: is this tom?
Wolf3x6: i know what you did last summer
OwenM87: rotfl! u r 2 funny!
Wolf3x6: im gonna gut u like a fish
OwenM87: lol lol lol
OwenM87: u wanna cyber?
Wolf3x6 has left the chat.

Rumor has it the original script of the movie had this going on for two more hours. Fortunately for us, it appears that idea was scrapped in favor of a clichéd teen slasher flick. No word yet on whether Jennifer Love Hewitt or Neve Campbell make cameos, but the fact that Jon Bon Jovi is in this movie raises its potential immensely.

Anyway, the AIM convo ends and, despite no other evidence to the contrary, we're immediately shown that Wolf3x6 must be the killer, as some chilling music overlays a montage of some brutal murders. Sadly, the trailer doesn't go much into the "plot" of the movie—and for that I had to dock the trailer a few stars—though this is helped by a couple shots of the perilled teens jumping into a swimming pool. After all, if horror films have taught us nothing else, it's that beautiful people + water + blood = success. If the movie ends up getting an underwater lesbian love scene, then I think Opie Ron Howard may have to wait a year to pick up another Oscar.

Regardless, the money shot of the trailer comes at the end when viewers are told to use our cell phones to "text your AIM screen name... to get in on the hunt." Having thus established the marketing tie-in, the trailer becomes a sort of interactive manhunt, where participants get to take part in the thrill of being hunted by a merciless killer. Presumably, AOL will use each person's screen name ethically and certainly will refrain from selling them to spammers or those who would otherwise send you instant messanges telling you about the wonders of "Ccialiss to. help you have gr8 scexxx!"

Ultimately, though it has promise, the trailer falls short of the standards set by teen horrors of yesteryear like Urban Legend II: Final Cut or Valentine, and it leaves in viewers' mouths the lingering taste of bile and vinegar. In the end, the trailer to Cry Wolf ends up being like that girl you met at the party last week—kinda pretty, and gives off the impression that she'll rock your world harder than a Bon Jovi concert, but ultimately she's simply a tease who only wants to get your...hopes...up.

Killer Klowns from Outer Space

Killer Klowns from Outer Space
MGM (May 27, 1988)
Director: Stephen Chiodo
Cast: Grant Cramer, Suzanne Snyder, John Allen Nelson, John Vernon, Michael Siegel

View the trailer


There are a few key ingredients to making a successful horror movie:

• Always have horny, about-to-have-sex teens be the first to find the monster/alien/Michael Jackson/demon/whatever.
• Instead of continuing to have sex, said teens must drop everything and investigate a weird noise/light/whatever.
• Said investigative teens get killed (and thus validating the maxim that having sex in a horror movie is akin to a Sicilian kiss of death), and thus begins a rampage of blood and carnage.
• Repeat if necessary.

Oh yeah, and:

• Clowns are fucking creepy.

Fortunately, the trailer to Killer Klowns from Outer Space has all of this, and all is good. At least at first. However, unfortunately, the about halfway through the trailer, it stops showing things in chronological order and begins showing things as a sort of montage, splitting time between the Killer Klowns and the Scully-esque, pragmatic sherrif. It's not that this is necessarily a bad thing, per se. It's just that in my movie trailers, I prefer it when things continue on in an ordered fashion.

But that's only a triffle of a complaint in what is, for the most part, a very solid trailer. The Klowns are apropriately creepy in a low budget sort of way, and their antics toe the line between being scary and wacky. This is symbolically paralleled by pulsating electric guitar rifs accompanying the trailer. The result leaves the viewer with an odd feeling, like the kind I got Friday when I woke up naked and upside down in the backseat of a Passat after a hard night of binge drinking. Needless to say, the trailer is effective in being affective. Or something like that.

Another minor complaint with the trailer is that it leaves things unresolved at the end. It's one thing for a trailer to withhold the ending, but it's another thing altogether to withhold any clues as to what the hell we can expect to happen. The trailer has no hero to save the day (unless you count Sherrif Skeptical), and there appears to be nothing that can stop the Klowns. So, playing Devil's Advocate, what's my motivation to see the movie?

Well, for one there's the "krazy" plot and the state-of-the-art 1988 special effects. And then there's the, uh... okay, there's not much besides that. But despite the fact that, on paper, this movie trailer sucks, it's actually pretty entertaining. Especially if you're on some kind of mind-altering substance, since that allows the viewer to be on the same wavelength as the director. So relax, take a seat, crack open a beer/vial of crack* and enjoy this fun, mindless romp.



*Note: I am not actually recommending anyone take crack. It is a horrible drug and is a scurge to society. However, beer is great, and I recommend it to everyone, regardless of age or infirmity. Bottom's up!